


A Question Of Trust

by Blue_Night



Category: Football RPF, Real Person Fiction
Genre: Anal Sex, Anger, Angst, Being Caught Masturbating, Blow Jobs, Break Up, Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Explicit Sexual Content, Friendship, Hand Jobs, Happy Ending, Healing, Kissing, Love, M/M, Making Up, Masturbation, Mockery, Reconciliation, Self-Acceptance, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Semi-Public Sex, Vomiting, past bad experiences
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-29
Updated: 2018-02-19
Packaged: 2019-03-11 04:13:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13516365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blue_Night/pseuds/Blue_Night
Summary: Robert and Thomas are together for a couple of months, but there is something Robert has serious problems with, something that might destroy his relationship with Thomas before it has even really begun...Song title comes from 'A Question Of Trust' from Depeche Mode





	1. The Ghosts of the Past

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Janie94](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Janie94/gifts).



> My dearest Janie94,  
> I swear that I had this story clear in my mind _**before**_ I read _'Everytime We Touch'_ , you can see how much we are in sync sometimes! ;-* This story was actually planned with another pairing and ship and poked me for more than a week, but it fits so well for Robert and the version of Thomas I love so much, so I decided yesterday when you asked for a sequel to _'Til Love Runs Out_ to write this story with Robert and Thomas to make up for the tears and the heartbreak I've pulled you through at least a little bit.  
>  It has some similarities with yours regarding insecure Robert, but it is yet different in many ways. It will have a happy ending and Marco plays another role in here too.  
> I will try to come up with a sequel to my sad Müllendowski for you too, but it can take a while. I had some unexpected time to write today, but it was not good for my health issues, and I need to rest my arms for some time. I hope that I will be able to write the second chapter over the next days for you.  
> I really hope that you will like this story, especially with the pretty serious topic it actually contains. <33
> 
> My dear readers,
> 
> those of you who have read _'Til Love Runs Out_ have probably also read the notes I've left there. I had some time to write today and I wanted to write this for my dear friend Janie94 to welcome her back after her long absence, but writing is not possible for me without a lot of pain for a few weeks by now. I just want to say that my notes about perhaps deleting my account have nothing to do with AO3.  
>  Yes, the feedback had decreased again here in this fandom not only on my works, but those of my friends and fellow writers as well, especially the comments, but this is **not** the reason why I might have to do this. 
> 
> It's real life and some rather painful and serious health issues, and I don't know for how much longer I can write without things getting worse. I need my health for my job and my family, and my stories are my babies, I won't leave them here if I can't write anymore but take them with me. I hope that the treatment will work and that real life will stop throwing obstacles in my way the entire time, but it will most likely stay rough over the next weeks.
> 
> Please cross your fingers for me and let me know if you like this story, your kudos, comments and bookmarks would make me really happy. <33
> 
> The topic of this story is a serious one and what can happen to everyone, especially younger people still searching their place in the world, and I thought it important to write a story about it. <33

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert and Thomas are together for some time, but there is something Robert seems unable to do, even when Thomas confronts him with his issues. Will he lose Thomas because of his the ghosts from the past still haunting him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uhm yes, this chapter is pretty angsty, I must admit. But I promise you that the next one will make up for the new hearbreak I'm pulling you through with this one!  
> *Tiptoes hastily out of the room*

_The game had gone well, they had won with five goals, keeping their own net clean – which was actually even more important. He had made three of these goals, celebrating this important victory with his teammates excitedly afterwards. During the game, his eyes had fallen onto the four strangers scribbling into their notebooks as they had watched the young players run over the pitch, and something told him that he had been the one player in their focus this time._

_He didn't really know what to make out of it, feeling nervous and unsure all of a sudden, the adrenaline high still coursing through his veins and making him feel giddy and restless – too restless to appear professional in case that the talent scouts wanted to talk to him. His teammates had already left the locker room, he was the only left there, still standing under the warm spray of the shower, and his hand wandered downwards of its own will, curling around his dick that rose to full attention the moment he touched himself._

_He wasn't the kind of guy normally doing something like this in a rather public shower room, such intimate things usually belonging to private surroundings for him. He knew that some of his teammates enjoyed it to jerk off together and see who of them would spurt faster and more jets than the others in some kind of weird and ridiculous contest, but he had never been among them, and he looked furtively around before closing his eyes and focusing on the movements of his hand. He still felt tensed and anxious, but he really needed this now, hoping that it would help him to calm down before he would have to face the talent scouts who had come to search for new players for the big and famous clubs._

_It didn't take long until he could feel the well-known heat of his orgasm lick at the end of his spine, and he forgot everything else except for the lust pooling in his groin, moaning rather loudly several times when his dick started to shoot all over his fingers, the evidence of his satisfaction being washed away by the warm water instantly._

_He relaxed with a grateful sigh and opened his eyes again, feeling much better than he had felt only a few minutes ago. The sound of a gleeful snicker made him freeze instantly though, and he stared wide-eyed at the teammate leaning in the doorway to the shower room with mockery written all over his face._

_“You should see your face when you're doing this! That was priceless, I've hardly ever seen something that funny! This would make for an awesome picture!” the unexpected watcher chuckled, scornful eyes traveling slowly over his naked body in a very provoking way. He realized that he still held his rapidly shrinking cock in his hand and instinctively covered his groin with both hands, which pulled a knowing snort from the other one._

_“It's a little bit too late for that now, isn't it? I've already seen everything. Not that I'm impressed - you're not as big as I thought you to be considering your arrogance on the pitch sometimes. And you actually grunt like a swine and pant like a steam engine when you come, I had to think of the wild hogs I've once seen when I heard you grunt like that,” the other footballer stated with an amused grin, throwing a mocking kiss through the damp air at him._

_“Too bad I didn't bring my mobile with me to record the astonishing noises you're able to produce! Maybe next time? And a few nice pictures from your face? I'm sure that the others would like to see you with your mouth hanging open like that and hear you grunt so nicely as well!” With these words, the other one turned around to walk over to the exit of the locker room with a cheerful whistle, wriggling his hips provokingly on his way out._

_He watched the older player go with his heart beating in his throat, his vision blurring with an overwhelming dizziness, and he bent forward to throw up where he stood when he heard the door finally close, sacrificing the contents of his stomach into the drain of the shower until there was nothing left inside him._

 

***

 

“God, you're so beautiful, Lewy! I want you so badly!” Thomas moaned ardently at his lips before claiming his mouth in another fierce kiss. Robert could hardly breathe, Thomas' tongue being everywhere in his mouth at the same time, licking and caressing the tender insides of his cheeks and the roof of the soft cavern with rapt devotion and obvious excitement. The others had already left the locker room, and Robert still wasn't sure how it had happened that the younger one had cornered him, trapping him between his own body and the tiles of the shower cubicle.

They had danced around each other for months, and Robert hadn't been able to resist his teammate and friend any longer when Thomas had approached him with glittering eyes, creeping up on him when they were alone and Robert defenseless under the shower stream like a tiger creeping up on his prey. Robert had fought so hard against his feelings for the normally cheerful and laid-back Münchner, telling himself that falling for his teammate was truly a really bad idea – even more after his experiences with another teammate had had fallen for in what seemed to be a lifetime ago.

But resisting Thomas was so much harder than Robert had expected it, and his hand found its way down on Thomas' body without him realizing what he was doing until he could feel the other man's rock-hard member in his fingers. Thomas deepened their kiss, soft moans tickling at Robert's lips when he began to stroke the hardness twitching eagerly in the warm embrace of his fingers, leaving wet traces of pre-come all over his palm.

“I desire you so much, I've been crazy for you for so long, Lewy!” Thomas murmured into their kiss, searching his way between their bodies to stroke Robert as well. The dark-haired striker didn't object, but his focus was on getting Thomas off and proving to him that he was as skilled when it came to pleasuring another man with his hands as he was when it came to shooting goals. He must have found the right pace and pressure rather easily, because Thomas tensed in his arms much sooner than Robert had expected him to do, thrusting his tongue deep into Robert's mouth as he went rigid and came hard all over his hand with a strangled gasp.

Robert stroked him through his high until Thomas relaxed and slowly drew back from his swollen lips. “It's my turn to make you happy now, handsome,” the younger man whispered, opening his eyes to watch his prey closely when he started to move his hand up and down on Robert's throbbing hardness again.

The warm water added to the sensations coursing through Robert, and he closed his own eyes to enjoy what Thomas was doing, not prepared for the memories suddenly floating back into his mind, unbidden pictures of another day and another shower when he had been so much younger flashing before his mind's eye.

Robert tensed and jerked back from Thomas still watching him, his eyes snapping open as he stared horrified at the other man. “Lewy, what's wrong? Did I hurt you?” Thomas asked worriedly, and Robert swallowed, desperately searching for an explanation for his behavior.

“I heard something, I think that someone's coming,” he finally stammered, and Thomas frowned, “No, there is no one, you must have heard something else. Please, Lewy, I really want to make you happy!” the younger man said tenderly, stroking Robert's pale cheek.

Robert swallowed, hoping that his smile didn't look too much like a grimace. “You can do that later, wen we're alone, Thomas. Please, I really don't want to ruin the mood, but I'd rather not get caught with your hand on my dick.”

Thomas let go of him reluctantly, regarding him with slightly narrowed eyes, obviously taken aback by Robert's violent reaction. “Okay, if that's what you want, Robert,” he eventually nodded, and Robert released the breath he hadn't known that he had it been holding with a sigh. “Yes, I do, thank you, Thomas,” he murmured hoarsely, swallowing against the nausea threatening to overcome him. He wouldn't throw up here in the shower right before Thomas' scrutinizing glance like he had done it back then in the shower when he had been caught, he would wait until he was alone with the god of porcelain, and if it was the last thing he did in this world.

No one would ever mock him like that again, never again in his whole life.

 

***

 

“What the fuck is wrong with you, Robert?” Thomas drew his hands back from him as if he had burnt them, carding with his fingers through his thick dark-blond hair and staring at the older man in frustration.

“I'm feeling like an idiot or rapist every single time we're together!” They had been lying on Robert's bed making out, but the younger Münchner moved to the edge of the bed now to sit there and regard Robert with confusion visible in his eyes, before turning his head away as though he couldn't stand his sight any longer.

Robert sat up, carefully pulling at his jeans to cover his exposed groin again. “Nothing's wrong with me, Thomas!” he objected, not sure whether he wanted to deceive Thomas or himself. “What's wrong with you? I'm always doing my best to pleasure and please you, so what the heck are you complaining about?” His heart was beating in his throat, and Robert clenched his fingers around the blankets to have something to hold on to.

He was trying, he really was, and he had thought that it would become easier for him with the time he and Thomas had this thing going on like he called it in his head. He had obviously been wrong about that though, because it didn't get easier at all, but only harder and harder each time, his attempts not to let Thomas his issues show apparently not good enough to convince the other one that Robert truly enjoyed their encounters.

Thomas' head snapped around at that. “What I am complaining about?! You really want to know that? Damn it, Robert!” he growled, sighing when Robert flinched at his curse. “Sorry, I didn't mean to curse. But...” he reached out with his hand for Robert, his beautiful eyes pleading Robert to tell him why he was unable to give himself to Thomas the way the other man craved for.

“You're not my servant, Robert, you don't have to pleasure and please me! This is not about me having fun while you're obviously far too stiff and distant to enjoy us being together like this. What kind of asshole do you think I am that you're saying these things?” This time, he didn't apologize for the swear-word, his expression a mixture of anger and the look of a wounded animal. Robert's heart clenched painfully with guilt, and he felt the well-known nausea rising in his throat.

“What do you want from me then, Thomas?” was all he managed after endless seconds, even though he of course knew the answer. If he had only enough courage left to give the man he loved almost desperately what he wanted, but his fear that Thomas would turn his back on him and laugh at him like _he_ had done it back then in the shower made him freeze in place, paralyzing him.

“What I want? Isn't that obvious?” Thomas sounded hurt. “You're always so skillful and imaginative when it comes to finding excuses why I can't return the favor. You're getting me off in the shower, but when I merely try to touch you after that as well, you run away from me, pretending that someone could come in or that we're running out of time. You only allow me to make love to you when you're lying on your front and the room is so dark that I can't see anything. You blow my mind with your mouth, but you refuse to let me do the same for you! What kind of game are you playing, Robert Lewandowski? Is it because I am a man? Are you imaging me to be a woman fucking you with a dildo when you're lying there, suppressing any sound that might come out of your mouth and give me a hint of your feelings? Is it because it is okay to blow another man, but not okay to let yourself be blown by a man? Is this too 'gay' for you?”

Robert stared at Thomas, shocked by the venom he could hear in the younger man's voice, and he wondered briefly about the astonishing fact that the other Münchner hadn't figured out the real reason for Robert's problems at this point. Thomas was far cleverer than most people gave him credit for because of his behavior, and the man looking at him wasn't the cheerful friend and teammate with the crooked smile Robert had fallen in love with, but a stranger, his face stern and impassive, his eyes hard and his expression unreadable.

The dark-haired striker desired this new Thomas even more than he desired the cheerful one, his desire and longing for the younger man so painful that it was taking his breath away. Robert didn't know how many nights he had lain awake in his cold and lonely bed, jerking off frantically to the memories of how Thomas looked like and sounded when he was coming because Robert had made him come, and he was so angry with himself that he couldn't give Thomas what he longed for in return.

He had tried it, but every time he made another feeble attempt of letting go of his iron and desperate self-control, the room started to spin around him and he feared that he would throw up again right where he stood or lay. Robert knew that he was risking their relationship, the professional one as much as their friendship and blooming love, but he didn't know how to change that and let Thomas see this other side of him, the one that would finally make Thomas mock and loathe him.

“It's just that I need more time, I think...” Robert went silent again when Thomas narrowed his eyes at him. “How much more time do you need then, Robert?” Thomas' voice was hard with frustration and hurt, and Robert really couldn't blame him. “We're together for months, and I had really thought that you'd love me one day the way I love you, but I know now that I was wrong with that. You don't trust me enough, and love without trust is doomed to die a painful death.”

The younger man rose to his feet, looking down at Robert's slumped figure crouching on the bed when he brought his clothing back in order. “I'm sorry, Robert, but I can't do that any longer, not like that. You should make up your mind about what you truly want, and we shouldn't see each other again until you've figured out how you feel about me – about us.”

Thomas turned around and left Robert's bedroom without any other word, and Robert stared at his back with burning eyes, his words hardly audible when the door had closed behind the dark-blond Münchner.

“It's not you I don't trust, Thomas, it's me...”

 

***

 

“What's wrong with you and Thomas, Lewandowski?” Marco caught Robert after the game, observing the older one with his hands on his hips and a questioning raised golden eye-brow.

“That's none of your business, Reus!” Robert snapped back, but his unsteady gaze flickered back to his younger teammate, unable to take his eyes off Thomas walking down the tunnel together with Manu, laughing at his jokes in a way that made his eyes crinkle with mischief. Robert wasn't prepared for the sharp sting shooting right through his stupid heart, even though he knew that he had no right to feel this way.

Thomas was no longer his, had actually never really been his, not with Robert having pushed him away so cruelly, and he should be happy for him that he had found someone who could give him what Robert hadn't been able to do.

Weeks had passed since Thomas had walked out of his bedroom and out of his life with that too, but Robert couldn't stop loving him, no matter how much he tried to tear his love for the younger one out of his heart. Thomas seemed to sense that Robert was watching him – again – because he suddenly turned his head around to look over his shoulder, his smile vanishing from his lips and his gaze turning dark when he met Robert's eyes.

Time stood still as they stared at each other for a moment, the air thick between them with unspoken feelings. It was over far too soon, Thomas turning back to smile at Manu, and Robert was choking once more on the hot tears he refused to cry because of his own failure.

“I'm coming home with you, I want to know what's going on!” Marco grabbed Robert by his jersey and dragged him along with grim determination, and Robert felt too tired to argue, just following Marco to the locker rooms, hoping that Thomas might already been gone when he entered it.

 

***

 

Tow hours later, the dark-haired striker watched Marco busying himself in his kitchen with brewing coffee for them, his head leaning heavily on his elbows.

“Is Erik okay with you being here with me, Marco?” Robert asked, not wanting to add another ruined relationship to the mess his life was.

“Yes, he is. He sends greetings, by the way. I told him that you need a friend tonight, and he was fine with that.”

“Hmm, that's generous of him. I'm your ex after all,” Robert said thoughtfully, and Marco looked up from his task of filling two mugs with the dark brew. “Erik knows how much I love him, Lewy. He trusts me, and he would never expect me to let a friend down when they need my help. He knows that I would never hurt and betray him this way. I'm not here as your ex-lover but as your friend.”

Marco paused, considering Robert thoughtfully. “Okay, maybe I'm here as your ex-lover too, but not because I'm still pining after you, but because me knowing you more intimately might help me helping you in the end.”

Robert felt his cheeks heating up, and he lowered his gaze down at the mug Marco had put on the table in front of him. He closed his hands around it, hoping that the hot coffee would make the coldness he was feeling ever since Thomas had broken up with him go away.

“And how do you plan to do that, Marco? Help me, I mean?”

“By finally opening your eyes you stubborn man,” Marco gave back, leaning back in his chair. “It's different with Thomas, isn't it? You can't be the dominant one with him like you have been with me, ordering him around how you want the two of you be together. He doesn't let you hide your true feelings like I've always let you do it. I was okay with you always wearing this mask on your face when we were in bed, but Thomas isn't like that, is he? He wants all of you, he wants the real Robert Lewandowski, not the facade you try to protect your fragile heart with.”

Robert swallowed, staring at Marco in dismay. “You knew?” he whispered hoarsely, his blood thrumming in his ears when he felt bitter bile rising in his throat. He sipped from the coffee to get rid of the taste, burning his tongue and his lips.

Marco pulled a face. “Of course I did. What did you think, Robert? That it would slip my attention that you were always waiting until I was too occupied with my own feelings before you allowed yourself to come? That you never wanted to do it when the lights were on or face to face? That you were horrified of hand jobs and blow jobs when you were on the receiving end? You must take me for either an asshole or an imbecile if you really thought that I wouldn't notice that you couldn't stand the mere thought of letting your guard down and allow another man watching you come.”

“You never complained, you never said anything.” Robert couldn't meet Marco's eyes. His former teammate and lover took his ice-cold hands between his own warm ones to rub them gently. “No, I didn't. We had a great time, and I was crazy for you, but I was much younger and unsure back then myself, and I always knew that our relationship was a temporary one and wouldn't last. I didn't want to push you, wait until you'd be ready to open up to me. But you went to Munich before that happened, and I fell in love with Erik.”

“I see.” Robert looked down at their entangled fingers. “You're right, Thomas is different.”

“Of course, he is. This man is madly in love with you, Robert. He would travel through hell and back for you. He would give you the moon if you asked him to do that for you. He loves you. He loves you with all his heart and forever. Everyone with eyes in their head can see how deeply he cares about you. It must have been horrible for him – you doing everything to get him off while he wasn't allowed to do the same for you and turn you into a panting and moaning mess.”

Robert flinched violently at Marco's words, and he jumped to his feet and bolted out of the kitchen before his friend was even able to ask what was wrong with him. Marco found him kneeling before the toilet, retching into the bowl without any chance to breathe in between the painful cramps. The blond knelt down beside him, supporting his head until Robert was finally done with emptying his stomach into the toilet.

Robert sat there with his face buried in his hands, Marco's arm a solid weight around his shoulder.

“Do you want to talk about what has happened to you that you are so afraid of intimacy and showing your feelings when it comes to sex, Lewy?” the younger one asked after a while. “You don't have to tell me what's haunting you so much, but I do believe that Thomas deserves to know the truth. You can trust him, Robert, you must know that!”

“It's me I don't trust, Marco,” Robert whispered, too ashamed to face the other man. “That may be so, but you can trust Thomas nevertheless. Maybe you'll learn to trust yourself again when you put your trust in him. He won't fail you.” The blond reached out to gently touch his face and make him look up at him.

Robert dared to raise his head at last, and the understanding and fondness he saw in Marco's eyes made him swallow. “This coming from you as Thomas' rival!” he joked weekly, but Marco only looked at him with a serious expression.

“He isn't my rival when it comes to you, Robert. You are my friend and I care about you, but I love Erik and I want you to be happy. You deserve to be happy. And Thomas and I are playing together for our country, we're not always rivals on the pitch. I know him and I value him as a friend even though we're not that close, but still. Shall I call him and ask him to come over, Lewy? It's about time for you to stop running away from him and from yourself.”

Robert hesitated, but then he straightened his shoulders. “I will call him myself, Marco. You're right, it's about time to finally face my demons and get rid of them. I don't want to go on like that for even one more day. Maybe it'll be too late for us, but he deserves to know the truth at least.”

Marco smiled at him. “Well spoken, Robert. That's the fighter I know. Thomas loves you, don't worry about it being too late for the two of you. Just tell him the truth, and everything will be fine.” He helped Robert up on his feet and guided him back to the kitchen, and Robert took his phone and pressed the speed dial number he had never deleted.

Marco encouraged him with a smile to go on, and Robert pressed the phone against his ear, taking several deep breaths when he heard the dialing tone ring.

It was about time to tell Thomas that he loved him, and it was finally time to learn how to trust again, no matter how hard it would be for him to do that.


	2. The Long Way Of Healing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert promised Marco to call Thomas and talk to him. Will they find their way back to each other and fight against the ghosts of Robert's past together?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the promised second chapter of this story, I had some time to write it today. I hope that it comes across the way I wanted it to come across. <33

Robert stared into his mug with unseeing eyes, the steam of the herbal tea Marco had brewed for him to settle his stomach leaving damp traces on his cold cheeks.

His phone-talk with Thomas had been short, but Robert hadn't expected the younger man to be talkative and friendly anyway. He was simply grateful that the dark-blond had picked up the call instead of just ignoring it, and he had only asked Thomas to come over because he needed to talk to him face to face instead of trying to give the explanations Thomas deserved via phone.

Whatever it was that had made Thomas agree to his request – the hoarse urgency in his voice or the love Thomas still felt for him according to Marco – Robert was too tired to think more closely about it, his mind being blank and yet hurting with too many thoughts racing inside his throbbing skull at the same time.

The ringing of the door bell made him flinch, and Marco squeezed his cold fingers gently. “I'll let him in, Lewy. Just promise me that you will finally tell him what is weighing on you that heavily for so long.”

Robert raised his head to meet Marco's gaze with bloodshot eyes. “I will, thank you, Marco. For everything you've done for me.”

The blond Dortmunder smiled at him. “Always, Lewy. That's what friends are for. Please stay where you are, I'll show myself out. Thomas is the only one who needs to know the truth.”

Marco actually deserved to know the truth just as much, but the dark-haired Pole was thankful that his friend and former teammate didn't push the issue further. He watched the younger one leave the kitchen to let Thomas in, and Robert could hear what the two blonds were saying, his ears sharper than usual due to his state.

“Thank you for coming, Thomas. I don't know what happened between the two of you, but I do know that Robert needs you more than ever now. Please hear him out and give him a second chance. He really, really loves you.”

There was a short silence before Thomas answered to Marco's words, and Robert only realized that he was holding his breath when the lack of air made him feel dizzy. “I know that he loves me, Marco, that was never the point. But love without trust will never work, and it is obvious that Robert doesn't trust me enough.”

“It's not you he doesn't trust, Thomas, it's him. But he's willing to put his trust in you, maybe this is what will eventually make him trust himself again as well. I know that it's hard, I've been in the same position as you are before Robert left Dortmund, but he has never loved me the way he actually loves you. Don't give up on him, Thomas.”

Robert drew in a shaky breath, closing his eyes in despair as he waited for Thomas' answer. “I won't, Marco.”

His next inhale was more a sob than a real breath, and Robert clenched his fingers around his mug until his knuckles turned white when he heard the door close behind Marco and light footsteps on the tiles of the corridor announce Thomas' soon arrival in the kitchen.

He forced himself to meet the questioning hazel-blue gaze of the younger Münchner, Thomas' face a stoic mask that gave nothing away of what the dark-blond was thinking.

Robert swallowed down the bitter bile rising in his throat again, gesturing at the chair opposite him. “Thank you for coming, Thomas. I know that I don't deserve a second chance, but please listen to me before deciding whether or not you'll be able to forgive me.”

Thomas nodded quietly. “That's why I'm here, Robert.” He sat down on the chair, his eyes never leaving Robert's pale face. The younger man didn't touch him, and Robert was grateful that he didn't, even though he longed for Thomas' touch more than anything.

Instead he loosened his tight grip around his mug and took another deep breath, clearing his throat. “I've never told this anybody, I normally even avoid remembering it... but you need to know what happened to understand that it's not you I don't trust, but myself...” he began to speak, clearing his throat again, and then the words tumbled out of his mouth, and Robert told Thomas the story of that fateful day – when he had been a young player of a Polish club waiting for the chance of his life and the scouts of the big clubs to notice him...

 

***

 

Robert didn't dare to look Thomas in the eyes when he was eventually done with talking after what felt like a lifetime but couldn't have been more than perhaps twenty minutes, his voice barely more than a croaked whisper towards the end. There was a short silence between them, and Robert readied himself for Thomas' reaction, halfway expecting him to just stand up and leave him, halfway expecting him to snort and ask why this was such a big deal for him.

Warm fingers gently enclosing his own cold and sweaty ones made him stare at Thomas' hand cupping both of his, and his heart was hammering in his chest that loud that it was almost drowning out Thomas' quiet voice.

“Robert, will you please look at me?”

The dark-haired striker slowly raised his head, his vision blurred with exhaustion and dizziness, but his eyes were dry, unable to cry the tears that would have brought him some relief.

Thomas' expression was calm and sincere, but Robert could see anger sparkling behind the quiet. He wasn't sure whether Thomas' anger was directed at him or more at the other player, and he drew in a shaky breath and forced himself to speak. “I'm so sorry, Thomas...”

The younger man squeezed his hands and entangled their fingers, apparently not deterred by the cold sweat that was coating Robert's entire body and mostly his fingers. “I know that you are. But please don't be. I am more furious because of this idiot than I've ever been in my life, but I won't waste my energy with thinking about him because he isn't worthy a single thought wasted on him, Robert. It's you I'm concerned about because I love you more than I've ever loved anybody else, and I will use my energy to show you that there is nothing you need to be sorry for instead of being angry with him. Thank you for telling me, Robert, I can imagine how hard this must have been for you.”

Robert looked down at their entangled fingers. “It was easier than I thought it to be,” he admitted, “but I feel so stupid...”

“I have never made such an experience, so I actually don't know how you feel, Robert. But considering what I know about you, I can imagine that this day must have turned your world upside down in the cruelest way possible, doing greatest damage to your self-esteem. It will take time for you to heal and trust in yourself again – and trust in us as well - but the start has been made today, and you don't need to walk this road alone, Robert. I'm here to walk it together with you.”

Robert allowed the tiny flame of hope in his heart to blaze a little bit higher. “So you're willing to forgive me and give me a second chance, Thomas?” he asked, his voice trembling with the emotions he was choking on. The kitchen was spinning around him, but he could see Thomas' face clearly, and the smile the dark-blond gifted him with made his heart race.

“There is nothing to forgive, Robert. I'm just glad that you called me and that you were finally able to tell me what happened to you. I just hope that you will give me a second chance after what I've said to you in my anger.”

Robert could feel his mouth curling into the first real smile in weeks. “Of course I'll give you this chance, Thomas. I... I love you.”

“I love you too, Robert. You don't have to fear that I will ever laugh at you or mock you. Your love and your trust is the most precious gift imaginable to me, and you enjoying our lovemaking and showing me your pleasure will never be anything else than wonderful and amazing to me, that much I can promise you.” Thomas stood to circle the table and pull the older one in his arms, and they stood like this for a rather long time with Robert's face buried in the warm crook of Thomas' neck until the coldness in his bones vanished and he finally stopped trembling.

 

***

 

Robert snuggled close to the younger one when they were finally lying in his bed dressed only in their underwear, Thomas' familiar scent enclosing him like a soft bubble. Robert inhaled it in greedy gulps, pushing his nose against Thomas' fragrant throat where his natural perfume was the strongest to smell.

Their bodies were pressed firmly together, and Robert could feel the hardness of the younger man's desire for him poking against his hipbone. He pushed his hand between their fronts and let it wander down in the direction of Thomas' groin, but warm fingers gently enclosing his wrist to stop him kept him from traveling further.

“Don't you want me to take care of you?” Robert whispered uncertainly into the darkness, and he could feel Thomas' gaze upon his partly hidden face, but couldn't bring himself to look at him.

“You have been violently sick only two hours ago, and you're pale with exhaustion, Lewy. You're clearly not in the state to have sex tonight, not after what you've been through lately.”

Robert felt confused and relieved at the same time. “But you're hard, it must be painful for you,” he objected, wishing that he would be hard for the man he loved more than life itself too.

Thomas' tender chuckle tickled his sensitive ear. “You're lying close to me and I'm crazy in love with you, Lewy, of course I'm hard for you. But me being hard doesn't mean that I expect you to have sex with me every single time. Just as much as I know that you not being hard at the moment has nothing to do with you not desiring me enough, love. You really need to rest and get some hours of undisturbed sleep, and I'm perfectly fine with lying here next to you after our long separation and holding you while you're sleeping. This here is about so much more than us just having sex, Robert. I love you, and I care deeply about you. Your well-being and happiness is so much more important to me than me getting my fill will ever be, I really thought that you'd know that by now. Just let me hold you in my arms and sleep next to you, that's all I need tonight.”

“Thank you, Thomas.” Robert lifted his head from Thomas' shoulder with closed eyes to accept the tender goodnight kiss the younger one wanted to give him, and he drifted off to sleep with a small smile on his face, relaxing in Thomas' strong arms when the velvet-like darkness of a deep and dreamless slumber finally claimed him.

 

***

 

Robert didn't know what to expect when he entered his bedroom a week after his talk with Thomas, but definitely not that it would be completely dark. Thomas had not only closed the shutters, but also the curtains and put a rolled up blanket before the small slit between the door and floor, and Robert was glad that he knew the way to his bed by heart and didn't need any light to see where he was going.

Thomas had kept his promise and held Robert in his arms for the entire night after his confession, and they had spent every night together ever since then, cuddling and kissing each other but without touching one another below their waists. This morning before training, Thomas had finally asked Robert if he was ready for more intimacy, and Robert had felt a wave of relief wash over him. He had barely been capable of keeping his hands to himself over the past two days, and he felt giddy with anticipation when he joined the younger man on the bed.

They would sleep with each other for the first time after the horribly long wait, and Robert was already hard and aching for the dark-blond, craving to feel him close and touch his warm skin. Thomas had asked him to prepare himself in the privacy of his bathroom, clearly wanting to make it easier for Robert to give himself to him for the first time after their painful breakup and their reconciliation just one week ago.

“Uh, I didn't expect it to be so dark,” Robert mumbled when he lay down beside Thomas, and the younger one took him in his arms and kissed him tenderly. “I know that you need time, love, it will be easier for you to let your guard down this way. I long for you, and I want to make love to you, my precious, but we will do it your way.”

Thomas covered him with his warm body, and Robert instinctively tried to turn on his front, but tender hands kept him firmly in place. “I want to make love to you face to face, my precious, I want to kiss you while I'm making you mine. It is too dark to watch you, and I will keep my eyes closed, I promise you, but we will do it the classical way tonight.”

Robert hesitated but then relaxed, nodding slowly. “Okay,” he said, hating how uncertain and scared he sounded.

“Do you trust me, Robert?” Thomas laid their foreheads together, but Robert couldn't see his eyes in the darkness, the younger man keeping his promise that he wouldn't watch him. “Yes, I do.”

“Thank you, love. This is all about us feeling each other close, only feeling.” Thomas searched for his lips in the darkness, and Robert offered his mouth to him, his own eyes falling shut with the sensation of a warm and tender tongue slipping curiously into his mouth. The dark-haired striker focused on their kiss, and he gasped out in surprise when he felt Thomas' hard cock nudging against his entrance, spreading his legs invitingly for him. Robert's erection had faded a little bit due to his nervousness, but it came back with full force when he felt Thomas slowly pushing into him, his tongue mirroring in Robert's mouth what he was doing with his hard shaft.

“Love you, my precious, love you so much, need to feel you!” the dark-blond whispered ardently at his lips, and Robert wrapped his arms and his legs around him and kissed him back with unrestrained passion. “Need you too, Thomas, please, love me!”

“I will,” the other man promised, gently pulling back to thrust into him again, his lips never leaving Robert's mouth. The older Münchner did his best to keep his moans inside, and he was grateful that Thomas kissed him the entire time while he moved in and out of him, swallowing the strangled sounds that escaped Robert's lips against his will.

“You feel so good around me, my precious, so hot and tight and perfect,” Thomas murmured, deepening their kiss again, his fingers stroking Robert's face with rapt devotion, tracing along his jawline and his cheekbones as if he wanted to burn the memory of how Robert felt under his fingers into his memory.

Robert pushed his hips back against the younger man to meet his thrusts with the need blazing higher and higher in his veins, every forceful push in making Thomas' hard cock brush over his sensitive walls and his sweet spot. The dark-haired Pole was so caught up in the sensations coursing through him that he forgot his anxiety about not making too much noise and keep his lust inside, and his orgasm washed over him before he had any chance to realize what was happening to him.

His surprised “oh!” was swallowed by a pair of hungry and ardent lips, and Robert dug his nails into Thomas' shoulders and arched his back from the mattress, shuddering helplessly through his climax, his cock exploding against Thomas' sweaty abs and coating both of them with stripes of milky pleasure.

“Just like that, my precious, just let go and come for me!” Thomas' voice was hoarse with tenderness and emotion, and he rode Robert through his high until the older man relaxed beneath him, kissing him hard and deep as he went rigid above him, filling the condom with his seed in several powerful thrusts.

They lay there for a while, panting softly into each other's ears. “Wow, this was intense,” Robert finally murmured, and Thomas rubbed his nose against his cheek with a chuckle. “Yes, it was. You have no idea what feeling you come does to me, love.” Thomas' kiss silenced him before he could answer, and they were content and happy with kissing and stroking each other for a while, enjoying the warmth of the afterglow and the sweetness of their kisses.

Robert's other senses were increased because of the lack of visible input, even the feather-light caresses of Thomas' fingers felt more intense than they normally did, and every small sound they made when they shifted their bodies on the soft sheets sounded louder in his ears. Shivers ran down on Robert's spine when Thomas nibbled playfully at his earlobe, and it didn't take long until he grew hard against the younger man's thigh again, his long suppressed desire for Thomas demanding release.

“Ah, you're ready for me again, my precious!” Thomas breathed into his ear, licking over the salty skin of Robert's throat. He cupped Robert's face to kiss him with such raw passion that the dark-haired striker couldn't bite back a rather loud moan. “Please, love let me pleasure you with my mouth. I've longed so much for doing that for you for so long, please let me do that for you. I won't watch you, just let me love you with my mouth, please...” Thomas sounded almost broken as he whispered hoarsely against his cheek, and Robert realized with astonishment that he wanted that too, that he craved to finally feel Thomas' mouth on his throbbing manhood just as much.

“I want that too,” he admitted shyly, earning another deep and passionate kiss with his confession. Thomas' tongue was everywhere in his mouth at the same time, licking and probing and stroking until Robert's mind was spinning with desire and need, and the dark-blond used his distraction to leave a trail of hot and wet kisses all over his body as he searched his way down south in the blackness of their bedroom, ardently whispered words of adoration and longing following each kiss onto his burning flesh.

Robert didn't have the time to think or pull back when those skilled lips closed around his aching manhood, and the sensation of a wet and agile, clever tongue circling the tip of his hard cock pulled a strangled cry from him. Robert tensed up with embarrassment, but Thomas squeezed his fingers in encouragement and he took several deep breaths and pushed the scornful laughter of his former teammate suddenly sounding in his head again back into the farthest corner of his mind, grabbing fistfuls of thick honey-like hair when Thomas massaged his cock with his tongue, licking up the droplets of pleasure his ardent ministration milked from the older one.

“Love you, Robert, love you so much. You're amazing, just like that... you don't know how much I've longed to do this for you, my precious...” Thomas murmured around the impressive length filling his mouth, and Robert stopped thinking and gave in to the hot waves of pleasure surging through him with every lick and every up and down of Thomas' mouth on his cock, his hips moving in desperate jerks as he came closer and closer to the point of no return. His hard grip in Thomas' hair must be painful, but the younger man didn't complain or try to pull back, just kept worshiping Robert with his mouth until everything became too much and his world exploded in a bright flash of ecstasy, his body shaking with the force of his release. His harsh cry of pleasure rang in his ears, but Robert didn't care about it, simply succumbed to the force of his release, spurting hot and deep into Thomas' willing mouth until he was completely spent and dropped down onto the mattress again.

“You're wonderful, love, God, you're gorgeous, so amazing...” Thomas was back with him, kissing him hard and demanding before Robert got the chance to react and regret that he had lost his composure like that. He could taste himself on Thomas' tongue, and he let the younger man take his hand and wrap it around Thomas' rock-hard shaft without objection, glad that the younger man let him do this for him. Thomas thrust deep into his mouth with something akin to despair, and he clenched his own fingers hard around Robert's hand, using him to stroke himself to completion with frantic movements. It didn't take more than a few strokes until he was spilling all over Robert's stomach, his low moan vibrating against Robert's swollen lips. Robert focused his senses on stroking the dark-blond through his high until Thomas softened in his fingers before he stopped, their fingers still entangled around him and their lips still touching but not kissing any longer.

“Thank you, my precious. Thank you for letting me do this for you,” Thomas finally broke the silence between them, and Robert could see his eyes shining bright in the darkness when he opened his eyes to search for Robert's gaze. Robert swallowed, placing a gentle kiss of gratitude on Thomas' cheek. “I have to thank you, love. Thank you for walking this road with me and giving me the time I need.”

“You're welcome, my precious. It is our road to walk it together. I will always be by your side, Robert. We will walk this path together and in your pace. I love you.”

“I love you too. I – I trust you, Thomas. I didn't think that I could ever trust anybody again, but I really do trust you.”

Robert could see Thomas' smile despite the darkness, and he smiled back, kissing the younger man with love and gratitude. There was still a long way ahead of them, but Robert didn't doubt any longer that they would make it to the end together.

 

***

 

The curtains were still closed when they made love a couple of weeks later, but Robert had stopped asking Thomas to close the shutters as well a few days ago, and there was enough daylight left to light up the room when they made love on a sunny Sunday afternoon.

“It is about time for us to try it the other way around!” Thomas gasped out, rolling around with Robert until the dark-haired striker lay underneath him. They had talked about their relationship a while ago and decided that they trusted each other enough to do it without condoms in the future, neither of them being the kind of person to share their partner with others. It made a lot of things easier, but Robert made a startled sound deep in his throat when Thomas took the lube to line his hard length up and impale himself on Robert without preparation, the sight of Thomas' face as he took him in inch by inch stealing the breath from Robert's bruised lips.

“But you can't do that, you're not...” Robert's protest died on his lips when Thomas looked down at him with fiercely glowing eyes. “I can, and I will, my precious. I have dreamed of riding you like this for a rather long time. Where would be the fun if I was the only one getting to top? We would miss half of the fun, wouldn't we?”

Thomas didn't wait for Robert's answer, just started to move, fucking himself on Robert's cock, head thrown back and eyes squeezed shut in pleasure. Soft moans escaped his parted lips, and Robert thought that he should actually look away and give the younger man some privacy, but he found himself unable to do so, the incredible sight of the man he was crazy in love with taking so much pleasure out of riding him boosting his own arousal to new levels.

Thomas was not the most graceful person offside the pitch, but he reminded Robert of a sleek and elegant leopard or tiger as he watched him move above him, and the dark-haired striker felt a powerful wave of possessiveness, desire and love surge through him. He tried to meet Thomas' movements as best as he could lying trapped underneath him, pleasure pooling in his groin and licking at the end of his spine with hot flames. Thomas opened his eyes to stare down at him, his hazel-blue eyes almost black with his lust, his pale skin flushed pink with his desire for Robert.

“You like what you see, don't you, panther? Me fucking myself on your hard cock like that?” Thomas' voice was raw and husky, sending shivers of sheer want through Robert's tingling body. “Yes, I do, very much!” he growled, and he let Thomas hear his own groan of lust when the younger man picked up the pace and moved faster, his dark gaze fixed on Robert's face.

“I'll give you even more, panther!” Thomas bared his teeth to predatory smile, wrapping his hand around his throbbing length to stroke himself, and Robert knew that he was lost. He couldn't hold back his sounds of need and lust any longer, and he couldn't bring himself to care about how ridiculous he might perhaps sound, all he cared about was the sight of Thomas riding him and stroking himself without any visible sign of shame.

“I'm going to come for you, my precious, and I want you to watch me come for you,” Thomas demanded, and Robert stared and looked, unable to avert his eyes even if his life depended on it. His breath hitched in his throat when Thomas stilled with the first wave of his climax, and Robert moaned loudly, the sensations of Thomas' hot walls clenching around him too much for him to bear. Pleasure erupted from his cock in fast jets, spilling deep inside the younger man in the same moment as Thomas spurted his release over his hand and Robert's abs, and Thomas' throaty growl was an answer of Robert's strangled gasp when they came together, watching each other while they shook through their shared ecstasy together.

“We should do it more often this way,” Thomas stated some time later when they lay snuggled close together, purring contentedly in Robert's ear. Robert smiled at him. “Yes, we should, love. But there is something else I want to do any time soon, I think that I will finally be ready for that.”

Thomas raised his head from his shoulder, his eyes dark as he looked down at Robert. “Are you sure, my precious? I would never push you.”

Robert nodded his head, pulling him down for a kiss. “I am sure. I need to do it, it is finally about time to chase the last ghosts of the past away.”

Thomas kissed him, and the love shining in his eyes reassured Robert that he didn't need to walk the last meters of the long road alone and without Thomas' help. “Anything you want, love, at any time,” the younger man whispered against his lips, and this was all Robert needed to know that the time was finally right.

 

***

 

They were the last ones in the shower after their game, but the possibility of one of their teammates coming back to the locker room because they had forgot something was always there.

Robert pushed the thought back into his mind and focused on the feeling of Thomas' lips against his own instead, trying to fight against the panic rising in his throat like bitter bile. “We don't need to do this, love, we can try it another time.” Thomas sounded so tender and understanding, but Robert gritted his teeth and shook his head. “No, I want to do it now, I need to do it now, please...”

“Hush, shshsh, everything's okay, just breathe, love.” Thomas pulled the trembling man close, shielding him from any possible watchers with his back, rocking him tenderly until Robert relaxed again.

“I'm behaving stupid, I'm sorry...” Robert tried, but Thomas shut him up with a kiss. “You're not stupid, love, don't think that.” He gently pressed Robert against the wet tiles of the shower cubicle, running the soap over Robert's skin with steady motions. Robert closed his eyes, inhaling and exhaling slowly, and Thomas' tender hands finally had the desired effect, calming him down and arousing him at the same time.

“You're so beautiful, my precious, so, so beautiful. I could spend my life with just looking at you, seeing you fall apart in my arms. You don't know how much it means to me when you allow me to watch and hear you come, love.” Thomas nibbled at his lips, and Robert gasped with relief when the younger man closed his hand around his aching cock. “So beautiful, Robert, the most beautiful sight in the world. I will never allow anybody else to see you like this, the sight of you coming for me is reserved for me and me only.”

Thomas' harshly whispered words aroused Robert as much as his hand stroking up and down on his hard length aroused him, and Robert buried his face on Thomas' shoulder to silence the moans and gasps fleeing his lips. Thomas let him do it for a while, but he gently laid his fingers under Robert's chin when he felt him getting close, cupping his face and stroking over his lips with his thumb.

“Look at me, love, please look at me.” Robert opened his eyes, swallowing at the deep emotions he could see in Thomas' hooded eyes. “Look at me and watch me come just from me pleasuring you.” Robert's eyes widened in surprise, but the hardness twitching hard and needy against his wet thigh was an unmistakable sign that Thomas was close to his own orgasm too, and this just from giving Robert a hand job in the showers of their locker room. He reached out to touch him, but Thomas shook his head.

“You don't need to touch me, love. Watching you come from my hand is all I need to come for you,” he whispered, placing a soft kiss onto his lips. “Look at me and come for me, my precious. No one's here, only you and me, come for me and make me come with your sweet moans.”

The next up and down on his cock pushed Robert over the edge, and he spilled forcefully all over the tender fingers stroking him so skillfully, his vision blurring with the overwhelming sensations coursing through him. He kept them open to let Thomas see his pleasure though, and the warm wetness spurting against his thigh and his abs proved to him that Thomas had spoken the truth that he could come just from watching Robert's pleasure and lust, their moans and groans echoing in the shower cubicle.

Thomas caught him when his knees buckled, holding him tight and kissing him with passion and gratitude. Robert realized with astonishment that he must have started to cry when Thomas brushed a salty tear from his cheek with his thumb, smiling tenderly at him. “You'll never have to be ashamed of yourself again, Robert, never again. You're beautiful and amazing, and you coming in my arms is the most wonderful and precious thing in the world to me.”

Robert wrapped his arms around the younger man, crying and laughing at the same time. “Thank you for walking this road together with me. Thank you for trusting me when I couldn't trust myself. Thank you for loving me, Thommy.”

Thomas pulled him close, sealing their love with another tender and passionate kiss. “Our journey has just begun, my precious. There is a long road ahead of us, a bright and wonderful road, and I will happily walk it together with you until we're old and gray,” he said, “I love you more than anything, and I will always be by your side.”

They let the warm water wash the traces of their shared passion away, and Robert was still smiling when they stepped into the bright sunlight of the late summer day. He knew that he would never have to fear light again, the times when he had needed darkness to show his true self were finally over, Thomas' love finally having chased the last shadows of his past away.

 

***

 

Robert slowly walked over the pitch of his old club, memories of him as a young player floating his mind. There were good memories and sad memories, but they didn't haunt him any longer. They were just there, and Robert didn't even flinch when he saw the man coming in his direction, his former teammate he had hoped to never see him again.

The other one stopped a few meters in front of him, and Robert returned his gaze calmly, knowing that Thomas was waiting for him nearby in the car they had rented. Robert had asked him to wait there and let him visit his old club alone, but knowing that the man who had taught him how to love and how to trust was there, waiting for him, gave him enough strength to face his former teammate and rival.

“Robert!” the smaller man licked over his lips, and Robert could see guilt and shame flickering over his face for a brief moment. “I didn't think that I would ever see you again.”

Robert shrugged his shoulders. “I didn't think that I would come here again either.” He turned around to walk back to their car, craving to see Thomas' beautiful smile, but he turned around one last time when the other man called after him.

“What?” he asked, wondering briefly why he felt so calm and peaceful. It was obvious that time hadn't been as friendly to his teammate as it had been to him, and Robert didn't feel hate or anger, just a vague pity and annoyance.

“What I said to you back then... it wasn't true. I wanted to hurt you, hurt you as much as I felt hurt because I knew that they had come for you and not for me. I was jealous and I wanted to make you feel the same pain I felt, but it was all a lie.”

Robert regarded him thoughtfully. “Yes, I know. Have a pleasant evening.” He turned around and walked back to the parking lot, the thought of Thomas accelerating his steps. Thomas awaited him with his unique smile and a tender look in his eyes, opening the door for him.

“Is everything okay, my precious?” he asked quietly, and Robert bent forward to press a quick kiss onto his smiling lips before starting the engine and leaving the parking lot without one last glance back.

“Yes, love, everything is okay, more than okay, actually. The last ghosts of the past have just vanished.”

“I'm glad to hear that. Are you ready to go home now?”

Robert nodded his head with a smile. “Yes, Thomas, let's go home and leave the past behind. It's time to start our future,” he said, taking the exit that would bring them back home, back to the bright future waiting for them.


End file.
